Anywhoo... Saint (when I just typed it, I accidentally spelled Satan...whoa, haha) Matt laid hands on our computer and prayed because there was stuff that I just couldn't lose, like pictures, Jesse's homework, adoption stuff, etc. Apparently there is maintenance that one is supposed to do with a computer to make it last. Well, clearly my cool husband and I are far above this dorkiness to hold this nonsense in our mind. But, nonsense it's not. Apparently, our computer history had never been cleared...and guess what Matt said... "It would totally explain their problem if I find a ton of porn on here." But, ye of little faith, there was no porn... just adoption stuff. Thousands and thousands of adoption sites, cloth diapering online stores, a few articles on how to make your own laundry soap, the occasional theology website and homeschooling blogs. haha... want to know who someone is, look at their computer history. Guess we're not that cool after all. We're (Jesse will argue it's not him, he just lives with me) a big bunch of passionate dorks who are ignorant in how to take care of a computer. And funny thing is, we don't even have our computer back. Jesse borrowed Matt's wife, Shannon's, computer so he could do school work and while J's at work, I high jacked it. Now, how smart is Matt really??? Letting us dumb-ass ignorant computer people use HIS/Shannon's computer.
Well, let's catch up friends! What did you do the last 2 weeks? Well, for me - it's been quite eventful, but I wish there was still less of a presence of tv. Seriously, I'm not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, but I really think I'm addicted to television. Why can't I be addicted to working out??? More on that in a few. I'll just hit the BIG points.
1) I'm CANCER FREE!!! Maybe I mentioned that in my previous post a couple of weeks ago, but guys, it's worth mentioning again. I was terrified it was back, the doctor made me nervous, and I seriously thought this round I was going to die. I was seriously, intentionally giving my kids "good memories" so if I died, they would remember how much fun mom was, although I'm not that fun. But, this scared mom let them have Popsicles for lunch one day and we ran through the sprinklers with our clothes on and then rolled around in mud. And, one day, we didn't even get dressed. We just read books and watched movies while eating popcorn in our pjs all day. Why does it take me thinking I'm dying to let loose sometimes? That's so stupid. So, I hope to continue to pull the stick out of my own butt more often, and drink more wine. Maybe there is a correlation? But who knows, maybe the cancer was back and God took it away? All I know is that God met me in my fear and my heart even began to soften and think, "I really do want Jesse to be happy and for the kids to have a mom if I die, so maybe I'd be okay if he remarried." But here's the real issue, I don't want to share my mansion in Heaven with Jesse and the other woman and ALL our kids, bc I'm sure they'll have like 5 of their own... seriously? NO. He's my man, and he's not supposed look at another woman the way he does me, even if I'm dead, right? Jealous much? Well, really, I'm not jealous now, but the dead me is totally jealous. God and I need to work this out. But, seriously, I'd rather Jes just fine a lovely, gay woman to give him companionship and love on my kids. I could totally share my house with her in Heaven. Just no bed sharing in Heaven. Man. I. NEED. TO. STOP.
2) We had 2 of our nieces, 9 and 5 spend the night with us for a cousin sleep over. Please shoot me in the foot if I say in the next year that I'd like to adopt 2 more kids. (haha, as I'm proof reading I noticed I just said the next year, I didn't say ever! :) ) My nieces are amazing. I love them. They are the best behaved and HELPFUL little girls ever. It's just that 5 is WAY more than 3. My sister-in-law deserves mom of the year award. 5 kids 9 and under and she is so grace filled and doesn't even drink. She's nursing right now and is SO
3) this is a big one guys. "Bug (what I call J), I'm ready. If you feel like God can use you and grow you here, us here (at the new church, previously called the other woman), if you feel like this should become our new family and new home, I will jump in feet first with you." Tears are seriously pouring down my face as I'm typing because there is excitement but so much mourning going on inside me. I don't have to tell you again, but I LOVE my (not quite old) church, my family there. It feels like home. It feels safe. It feels like Jesus to me. It's really where I first encountered Jesus and KNEW it. I feel like God is giving me a picture now, this very moment... so I'm going to type it:
I feel like at my old church, Jesus started to really shape this plant, tend to this plant who was in a little clay jar. And by no means is the plant beautiful in her own eyes, but yet God is still pruning it and loves it, and calls it beautiful. But this plant has almost outgrown her little clay pot. It's now time for her gardener to transplant her into a larger clay pot and it hurts, it disrupts her. But here, in this large clay pot, there is room for her to grow, room for her to learn that she is exactly who her God made her to be. Not a tiny stem with a little bud, but maybe a full plant with life. There is room for her to see herself beautiful as she starts to see the fruit that is able to be born from her, because there is room and because God moved her.
Now that I'm totally bawling, this encourages me. Makes me want to throw up a little, because so often I forget that God actually sees me, cares about me, loves me, could call me by name... not just Brandi who went to RockHarbor, but Brandi his precious daughter whom He created to love. So if you hear nothing from this whole post, hear that GOD LOVES YOU. YOU. HE MADE YOU UNIQUELY. AND HE KNOWS YOU BY NAME. And keep reminding me of that because I forget all too often. I just wonder how many times in my life, I've tried to be someone else because I look up to them, because I think they hear from God way more than I do, because I love their clothes and shoes and self confidence. But I wonder how many opportunities were wasted for kingdom work because the ME he made me to be, I was not confident in and I missed it because I was trying to be someone more spiritual, more cool, more dorky even, who would never go "there" or talk to "him" or do "that" for a job. There is grace from our Savior, I know, so I won't dwell on the missed opportunities, and neither should you. But I want to be encouraged, I want you to be encouraged, that God made you YOU so that He could use YOU and your uniqueness to touch unique people who would respond to accepting His love through the very unique, YOU.
Not at all where I saw this post going... but I want to stop there. That is enough for me to process and sit with for one night. I'll get to the not so perfect media fast soon. Ironically, I'm going to need some accountability from the blog to hold me to less media. ha! I'll explain later.
Much love to you not only from me, but from God. He genuinely loves YOU, even if you don't quite love him yet, or even like him at all. He's okay with you where you are right now. But He longs for you to know his love, even if it's on your terms for right now. It doesn't change how he feels about you.
xo,
b
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