I'm a B*+@!

Alanis Morisette's song rings so close to me, and I think I kinda made it my theme song for a long while, maybe up until today.  But it's kinda written about me, to me, from me.  Just ask Jesse.  Although he'd NEVER call me one, I'm sure the thought may have quickly passed through his brain a time or two or twenty.  I alluded to feeling suffocated in the Midwest growing up, always feeling as though I had to be perfect, which clearly I am - even my blood is A+.  All this to say, I think when I "started a fresh" in CA, it was the perfect time to let it all hang out... Hence the "This is me, take it or leave it baby."
            I’m a b**** I’m a lover, I’m a child I’m a mother, I’m a sinner I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed.  I’m your hell I’m your dream, I’m nothin’ in between, You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way.
And, although I love being real and raw - a straight shooter, I am beginning to realize that sometimes I can seem or even be selfish.  "I don't want to, so I'm not going to," or "If I have to then I'm going to totally let the whole world know how super duper miserable I am doing it. BOOM.  I bet that's the last time I'll ever be asked to do..."  As my life is being purged at this very moment... (hating and loving the book 7, I'll write another post just on that later), I am beginning to see this selfishness and dare I say, poor attitude that can accompany my personality sometimes.  And, may I even be braver and say, I am beginnin' to think God's going to refine part of this to b*+@!iness into being more like Him which is going to suck and hurt A LOT.

At the new church, the babes learned this stupid new Bible memory verse, "Nobody should seek out his own good, but the good of others.  1 Cor 10:24. (I actually didn't take time to look up the reference or the actual wording, I'm just taking my 3 and 4 year olds' word for the accuracy of the verse - ha!)  Adalee, especially, has been reminding me of this constantly because she is SEEKING out the good of others over her own, and it makes me sick.  "Here Sammy, I think you should pick out the cd tonight because I want to make sure you like it."  "Hey mom, where is my bike?  I think our neighbor would like to ride it instead of me because she doesn't have one."  How old is this 3yr old really??? 

Anyway... I hate the thought of getting to know our neighbors, let alone love them like Jesus asks us to.  I most definitely have NOT sought out their good over mine.  In my defense, I had sucky sucky neighbors who made me and my children cry multiple times daily at our old place.  Have you ever lived by a crazy old woman who HATES children?  I really think she had anger issues and if I would have ever turned my back, I wouldn't have put it past her to hurt one of my kids.  And then we shared walls with a man who abused his wife, physically and emotionally and who blared his music into my kids room 24hours a day and then complained when they cried too loudly at noon (because they were over tired from his blasting music).  So, when we moved (a year ago tomorrow) I made a pact to myself... do not get to know your neighbors, keep to yourself, being a good neighbor means minding your own dang business and not getting in the middle of any domestic disputes.  "Love my neighbor" could just mean waving hi to them and being polite if they asked to borrow an egg.  Yeah, not so much.  Over the last month, the annoying voice Holy Spirit has been giving me opportunities left and right to love my neighbor, to be Christ to them, to show their kids God's love.  And I have literally kept saying, "NO - not now, I've got 3 kids, I'm tired, my time is precious, I need to see which guy Emily gave the boot to, I need to see how many likes my picture of Sophia playing in the sink got, etc."  And then today happened. 

"Mom, you keep saying that we can play with our neighbors only if you're outside with us, can't you please come... don't you want us to share God's love with them?  How can we if you don't let us play with them?" This coming from my 4yr boy.  Our neighbors are a little rough around the edges... 7, 8, and 11 and they use the F bomb a LOT and don't exactly withhold their body strength when wrestling w/ my 4yr boy.  Not to mention, sometimes chase him w/a bat (all out of fun, really) saying, I'm going to beat you up.  So, yes - supervision is needed.  Our neighbors' parents don't speak English so it's a little hard to have the "make your kids behave or I'm going to slap them" conversation.  So today, after I was guilted into loving my neighbor (way to go Jesus, use a 4yr old to get to me), we walked over to Ruben, Ruby, and Issi's house and asked if they could come play. 

Those kids' eyes lit up, they were so excited at the invite.  They quickly ran outside and immediately there was laughter and organized chaos in our backyard.  After an hour, we were all pretty sweaty.  It was humid and hot here today (not the normal, we're spoiled I know).  The sweating and panting kids - all 5 of them begged to come inside. I was thinking... Inside? hell no... I did my part by letting the kids come over in the first place.  I think that's enough "love my neighbor" as I can handle today.  But somehow the Holy Spirit grabbed a hold of my tongue and said, "Sure, but the baby's asleep, so lets just play games together. WTH games??? Seriously Holy Spirit??  This means I have to sit down and play with them because my little kids will need help and they might not know our family rules, boo hoo me!! Literally I was kicking my feet inside my head.  I wanted no part of this.  But here we were.  We sat down to play Chutes and Ladders, a fav at our home.  You spin the wheel which lands on 1,2,3,4 and that tells you how many spaces to move.  There are a hundred numbered squares on the board and you just follow the numbers, in numerical order until you reach the top.  If you land on a square w/ a ladder, you get to climb up to the higher numbers, if you land on a chute, then down you go to lower numbers.  Simple, right?  My 3 and 4 year old can do it w/o supervision.  But no, the 7,8,and 11yr old couldn't.  They didn't know how to count 4 spaces over or which numbers were higher.  Does it go 28, 29, 30 or the other way? (Granted the 11yr old has some special needs and is more on an 8yr old level - but still).  Immediately I had to choke back tears.  I had to literally excuse myself to the bathroom and I wept.  How Lord can I be so unloving, so unwilling?  How did it take me this long to open my hearts to them?  This broke my heart.  I am so convicted.  I'm a teacher... I AM A TEACHER!  Of course. I. am. a. teacher. Okay, God.  I have all the knowledge, resources, and passion to help kids learn.  Why didn't I know they needed help?  Oh, because I'm so selfish and not seeking the good of others over mine?  Sigh.  Then a big picture kind of question popped in my mind..."Could you want to do more with me than just use me to tutor these kids?  Could you want to love on them through me?  Do they even know you?  Is their kids' education, or lack of understanding their education, their biggest need?"

Neighbors aren't just families who live in close proximity to us, but they are people who have needs.  Will we ever really get to know our neighbors well enough though to find out those needs??  If we are supposed to be missional in our communities, then I think we gotta do the uncomfortable and bake some cookies and go knocking on doors.  My thought isn't even "SHOOT" after that swift kick in the booty, but now a, "Lord, forgive me for not doing this sooner.  Please redeem the lost time... the time I could have known them but chose not to.  Help me not get stuck in the past and the whatifs, but show me your grace so I can try tomorrow."  Life is messy for me, for my family.  But it is also mesy for my neighbor whom I haven't met but KNOW they just brought home their first baby girl last week, for our neighbors who yell at each other at 1a.m. in the middle of our alley, for our neighbors whose kids are getting left behind at school, and for our neighbors whom I know absolutely nothing about, except they have a little girl the exact same age as Adalee and we've never had a playdate.

Do you know your neighbors?  Could God be stirring up something in you?  Could He want to use you in their life to be His hands and feet to them?  Could he want to use THEM to change your heart, to bless you?  In the book Mark, Mark says to "Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind" (which I suck at).  He also says, "Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31  The two greatest commandments in the Bible and I suck at both of them.  But now, I at least have a desire to not suck at them as bad. 

My prayer for you is that you find grace from Jesus in what you have not done, and courage in Jesus to do what He leads you to, and for self control to not eat all the cookies that you bake your neighbors this weekend... you in it with me?  Want to bake this coming week and take some yummies to the neighbors?  I'm in.  I hope God uses our kind gesture to open up a line of communication.  So often I find myself getting sucked into this OC mentality and then wanting to totally rebel by running away from it all - lets move to Ghana (my heart's home) but then again, I think I'll probably have neighbors there too.  So, I should practice Mark 12 until God moves me.

Please let me know if you go and meet your neighbors.  I'd love to be encouraged by your stories.

x, b