Part 2, My thoughts on the "other woman."

Oh dear.  I'm now trying to be careful of every word written down because I just received my first comment from a reader who I personally don't know, yikes.... what is she going to think if I say this, or that... shoot, what if my parents are reading, my in-laws. ACKKK... in my last post I said Jes has a fine booty and the s word.  But, haha... reality... this is who I am, perfectly imperfect.  And, I made a promise to myself that I would be raw and honest and try to have no filter, although filtering might be nice sometimes...Sorry folks, thank you for embracing me.  And, how humbling knowing that more than my bff is reading this.  Sip of wine... let's continue.

A little background, our home church has this brilliant philosophy that they rediscovered from the early church called "missional communities."  With the thought that one should attend church in their physical community, do life with their neighbors, and serve to meet the needs of those in their neighborhoods.  We love this way of thinking as a couple.  Well, with that said, there was a church replant that came out of our home church which is within walking distance from our home.  So when Jes and I considered visiting another church, this one stuck out in our minds as a no-brainer to try.

Okay, I cried like a baby before I got out of the car, we all know that I can sometimes be overly emotional. But once I made the leap and actually got out, I saw this car and anyone who really knows me, knows that I would die to have this.  Although Trooper, the name of the owner, had a vw version that was a 1977 model.  Yes, Trooper.  And seriously folks, that is who I needed to see.  I am a hippie to the core, granola loving snob who makes her own laundry soap - so it was refreshing to see one of "my kind" there with NO SHOES!! 

There are just some things that come with being at a mega church, and one is a polished worship set.  I have so many distractions in my own head that I LOVED not being distracted by someone off beat or out of tune... to me, when I worship at my home church, it automatically takes me to this far off land where it is just my Jesus and me (yes, very narcissistic, but sometimes I need to be loved on by Jesus and need to give him my love and heart and during worship at my home church, is the easiest place for me to reconnect with my Savior).  So, I was nervous going to a church where there are only 4 people on staff and 100 people max at the 1 service that meets at an alternative high school.  Selfishly praying, Lord, worship is where I KNOW I will meet you, please meet me and help me not focus on the unpolished worship.  Help me not resent not being at my home.  Essentially thinking, if the music isn't good, I'm not staying.  (YES, I get it - totally self-centered, but people... just hold your horses.)

We drop the kids off to their classrooms and Jes and I walk in.  I have massive ADD, so I'm not going to hear one word if I'm not sitting up front and J knows this... however, I really wanted to sit in the back today, I didn't want to be noticed.  But no, Jes marches right up front and sits right behind the pastor.  So, I have NO idea what is practiced for worship, do you raise your hands?  Do you close your eyes?  Do you stand/sit... who the heck knows because I'm sitting right up front and can't really turn around without everyone looking at me.  Wow, okay.  Already I'm uncomfortable.  J sees communion set out, so he's already stoked; something our home church practices, but not every week together.  However, if J had it his way, we'd take it every day together, not just every week.  So I was happy for him then.  The music starts, I just stand, in silence, eyes closed and pray.  I'm so uncomfortable.  And I hear a whisper, "Can you still worship me?"  I don't answer, just stand.  I don't even know the answer to that.  I look, I hear the music, not in perfect rhythm, not in perfect tune, actually, quite perfectly imperfect.  As service goes on, I'm captivated by every word the pastor says... it's like he's talking to just me, well, because he kinda is.  It feels like we're having a conversation in a coffee shop.  He walks us through John 18.  I didn't realize how much I missed going through a chapter of the bible.  Oh, it was so sweet.  And communion time came.  What you may not know about Jesse and I is that we hold very tightly to the sacraments of baptism and communion - we believe in infant/child baptism and know that something divine takes place in both sacraments, they are not just a symbol, but much more (for another post, another day).  It's been a challenge to be at a home where the majority of people there don't share in that same belief, respect our belief - absolutely, but that's different.  When Phil, the pastor spoke about communion, he caught us off guard because he spoke what we believe the truth is about communion.  How refreshing.  I got a glimpse of one of God's babies... a little, healthy plant that is seeking out his sunshine and I began to get excited.  I felt myself begin to let go and worship my God for the sheer opportunity of getting to.  What an amazing site to see, to witness, his beauty.  His beauty sure does come in all shapes and sizes, and in the most unexpected places sometimes.  I feel like maybe God wants to challenge me in meeting with him.  It is so easy to be drawn into a beautiful, reflective worship set.  I love that.  It's easy, it's yummy, it's like someone spoon feeding me dessert.  But here I felt like Jesus was saying, "Brandi, you're not going to get your whole meal here at this worship set.  I get to now teach you what it is like to worship me without the big training wheels.  This might require you putting forth some effort to prusue me, like cracking open that Bible of yours so I can speak to you, or pulling out your journal so you can write to me and see how I'm really here with you.  I might ask you to sit and be still and know that I am your God throughout the week, not just during a magical worship set."

After the service was over, the people were so friendly, I totally felt like the new kid, but people made us feel welcomed.  We actually knew quite a few people who attended there that we hadn't connected with in a long time.  Jes and I made a 6 week commitment to this community to learn about this community, to get to know this community, to seek out relationships there.  I can't think about where we will be at the end of 6 weeks, that's too burdensome for me right now, but I can think about Sunday.  I am finally at a place in my life where I am beginning to enjoy the journey.  I used to be, "God, just tell me where I'm going to end up and I'll deal with the car ride there." But not knowing, is kinda fun. 

Wow, if you would have heard the conversations that were happening not even a year ago b/t hubs and I.  "I don't care where you end up being a pastor at, just don't ask me and the kids to come with you if it's not our home church.  I mean, I'll go, but my home church will be where I really worship at.  I'll just come to support you."  See, I've come a long way.  God never ceases to crack me up.

x, b