Clearly, you don't know my husband if you think I'd ever cheat on that stud... it don't get any better than
*DISCLAIMER, I LOVE MY HOME CHURCH!!!! And I think that is why I felt so disloyal this morning. I had to struggle and am still processing what it means when I feel "disloyal" in this context. Who does my loyalty belong to? I KNOW it's not a sin visiting other churches and my home church sends its staff on sabbaticals and tells them NOT TO COME TO OUR CHURCH, but be refreshed by other churches and big C church. But you don't understand, I L.O.V.E. my church, my community. I've been there for 10 years, faithfully serving, praying, and for a short time working there. I literally don't have 1 friend in my closet circle that I didn't meet at my home church. I grew, I met Jesus there. I was baptized into Christ as a child, raised in the faith, believed in Jesus, but I encountered the living God in a way that I never knew existed... He LOVED me despite all my crap, my sin, my shortcomings. Maybe it's because I grew up in the belt buckle of the Bible Belt, but it was NOT okay to sin... and if you did, you were a horrible Christian. It wasn't a safe place to struggle with anything (or at least I felt that way). But at my home church, I learned that Jesus walks with me through my struggle and I didn't have to get my sh*t together before I came to him. He took the nasty and made it white, He is molding me, growing me, and pursuing me in ways I wasn't open to before, because I didn't think I was worthy. My church has been through the most difficult times of my life with me, when our first year of marriage
He'll tell you he loves our church, loves our community, loves our pastors. Some of his best friends, he met there. He won't say 1 negative thing about it. He is just unsure if it's his home. Unsure where he sees himself in our 5000ish person church. He's so close to the finish line of school we can almost see the light. However, man I'd be pissed if Jesus came back the day he finished school... seriously, WTH - why not 7 yrs before!!! Anyhoo... I'm sure I'll be singing his praises and forgetting how much we've stinkin' sacrificed for Jes to become a professional Christian just for Jesus to come back. Wow, selfish much... where was I, oh yes... with J finishing school so soon, he's looking at where God might have him, thinking about what kind of role fits his gifting and which don't. J is a huge visionary, totally plans years before things happen, knows what he's doing tomorrow even for lunch...hahaha...APRIL FOOLS!! NO, J is the farthest thing from visionary or strategist as you can get. Event driven church, we love - we're at one, it's totally brought us to where we are - but for J to work at a church where the valued staff is all visionaries who empower the lay people to care for, to shepherd people, to love on the flock - maybe not a good fit for J?? If you have ever had a conversation with Jesse, you probably thought 1 of 3 things the next time you saw him, 1) is he going to make me talk about my feelings again???? or 2) I CAN'T wait to sit and talk with him, he hears me, he gets me, he challenges me, he cares about me or 3) wow, he's so hot and I probably shouldn't talk to him again because he's Brandi's man.
Um...time out, if you're reading this still...praise to you. This is so frickin' long...
Long story short... Jesse is a shepherd, he's a pastor of people, he cares for his flock and he's unsure where he fits in a mega church who delegates that task to lay people (which hear me when I say, NOTHING IS WRONG WITH THAT MODEL, but is it the right fit for Jesse?) So we are exploring churches where Jesse's gifting could possibly be utilized more, one that hopefully we can get plugged into and that he can maybe do a 9mo internship at if in the end Jesse doesn't feel our home church is best suited for his giftings, hence the "affair" today. (awkard sentence, I know, but it's 11p).
You will have to come back tomorrow for my reflections on today. (man, because I'm tired of writing and I'll do it injustice to sum it up while I'm this tired. But it was good, I thought we were going there for Jesse, but I think God had something else in mind.) I'm definitely being pruned, and it hurts, but I will leave you with this profound image Jesse had today (which I'll totally botch)...
"There is an unrecognizable shape that resembles something that used to be human which is covered in this hard, rocky shell. But God is diligent in picking away at it and when a piece falls off, you can see this vibrant, new, green life trying to push its way through. And that is beautiful." I challenge you to ask along with me, "Lord, what is it that you want to chip away today so that your beauty can shine? What is your beauty today in me?"
x, b
4 comments:
Dear precious Brandi, I hope it is ok that I read your blog, being that now I am on the older side of life, although in my mind I really don't feel 55, I still pray Lord where do you want me to go and what do you have in mind for me to do to serve you! The children are grown, that part has come and gone like a flash! There are some days I close my eyes and I am back in Kansas where life was sweet and calm and clear. The conversations were about the crops, the weather, and what new pie recipe they were going to make, the price of coffee sometimes entered the conversation ,, we all prayed together many times a day. Oh gives thanks unto the Lord because his Mercy endures forever! The Kansas wind sang joy and Jesus to me I loved watching the wheat the beautiful golden wheat blow in the wind, I never heard an unkind word spoken about another person never! My father cared so much about us and how others were doing! I have lived in two worlds! I have lived really lived in one and survived in the other! I sit in church on Sunday mornings and wonder sometimes will people ever shed the crust to become real or is everyone just to scared, I never grew up scared, Jesus was always walking next to me, and still does. There are so many hurting people yes even in church. I you ever seen someone share something in church that they are going through and people will say well I will pray for you, seems kind of easy , right, I will pray for you! in my own time where it fits into my schedule , Ofcourse that is not what we say, and praying is great and careing but to often it stops there, no phone calls, no visits, and sometimes a kind of shunning in church that makes the person who shared their life and problems wish they would have just stayed quiet because it was not worth it. Brandi I love your blog it is real it is open and honest, which is more than 90% of the church going Christians seem to be!
I love that you are reading... wow, so humbling, because I had no idea that "anyone was out there." Your life in Kansas seemed so dreamy, like - can I take my family there tomorrow??!! It's such a tension, huh? I want to protect them and shelter them, but I want to create an environment of honesty, a safe haven for them to struggle and feel loved by our Father and us. Sometimes, admittedly, I'm really honest... and maybe that's the rebel in me. :) But, that's who I am, and I love that you embrace me. And thanks for leaving me a comment!!
I love your voice that comes through in your writing! I haven't had much time to read blogs lately but you're on my little Google list and I look forward to hearing how God is challenging you on your life journey when I get to peek into your thoughts.
Blessings!
Lisa
brandi... just reading your blog for the first time. this post killed me... love how you talk about jesse. i love your depth and humor. excited to be in touch with where you guys land for your new church home!
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